Millie's Book

When I became pregnant with Adeline, we waited for quite some time before we told Mille. We wanted to avoid the confusion it would cause her if we lost the baby.  But, once we were out of the "danger zone" of the first trimester, we happily told Millie that she was going to be a big sister.  She was ecstatic.  Several our our close friends had just had babies, and she loved playing with those babies, and the babies at her daycare center.  Moreover, her two best friends from school had mommies who were pregnant as well, so she had the joy of running around with them, telling anyone who would listen "I'm going to be a big sister!"

So, when we unexpectedly delivered and lost Adeline at 4 1/2 months, we were obviously very concerned about how to tell Millie.  We knew she was too young to understand pregnancy that well, and so the grief probably wouldn't be as real to her as it would to us.  However, we also knew that she would be confused.  She would wonder why we were so sad, why I seemed to be suddenly sick, and what to say when people asked her "Are you going to be a big sister?" As they often did in our small town. 

Here we were really lucky, because Millie goes to an awesome childcare center.  We met with her teacher, and then with the director of her center, Jennifer.   Jennifer called a friend of her's who is a developmental psychologist and had experience in this area.  We pieced together this advice, plus the advice that we got from other resources, and here's what we came up with.

1. Develop a Narrative- Develop a narrative for what happened, and be consistent about it.  Make sure all the adults in her life- parents, teachers, grandparents, neighbors, etc... are using the same language when they describe what happened. Also, make sure this narrative includes being open about how we feel. 

2. Avoid Euphemisms- This one didn't come naturally to us, but it make sense when you think about it. As adults, we naturally want to soften our language when we talk about death to our children.  It may seem like a kindness to say to Millie "the baby is sleeping now..." But that's actually terrifying--- Millie goes to sleep every night.  Will she disappear too?  We can't say "the baby got sick," because Millie gets sick all the time.  What about "We lost the baby?" Millie's two year old brain would naturally want to go and look for her.  No, the kind thing for Millie is actually to explain to her in very clear terms, that the baby died. 

3. Be clear about what to expect-  In our case, we had a service for Adeline, and the Psychologist said that was a really good thing. She said to explain in detail what to expect-- who all would be there? Where would it be held? Would people be talking about God, Jesus, Heaven, etc...? If so, include this language in the narrative using concrete words.  Also, she reiterated to let Millie participate in the grief, and let her know that grownups my cry and why. But, she said to have someone on hand to take her away if people broke down.  She suggested packing a special bag for Millie with her favorite toys, foods, etc... 

With these bits of advice, Sean and I decided to put together a book for Millie. This would ensure that "the narrative" was developed, and it was easy for us to give copies to her teachers, etc and maintain consistent language, message, etc... I'm including the finished book below, which worked really well for us.  I really hope that no one reading this right now is experiencing what we did, but-- since we know it happens every day-- if any or all parts of this book helps you, please feel free to use it. 

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